It’s a lovely winter morning. I am making milk, while holding the baby. She gives me a big smile as I hear a massive poopoo blow out. Suddenly my lap is damp.
Meanwhile, Monkey is shoving crayons in my hands and requesting “helpa me color.” Suddenly she announces “I need helpa potty!” Which really means “I just peed on the floor!” I have 10 more minutes of milk making, to marinate in poop, while pondering what to do about this ridiculous situation.
I could tell Monkey, “stand right there and don’t move for 10 minutes” (yeah right!). Instead I ask Monkey to take off her wet underwear and go sit on potty, leaving a trail of puddles from the kitchen to the bathroom. Then I ask Monkey to clean the floor. She uses a small washcloth to spread the puddle. I could ask her to get a towel from the bathroom, which will probably be my towel. Instead, I just thank her for “cleaning” up her mess.
Once I’m done making milk, I lay the baby in the pack n’ play, so I can disassemble the milk pump. I quickly clean up the pee on the floor, before Monkey makes it worse. Then I give Monkey a cold bath, because I promised, “if you pee on the floor, you’ll get a cold bath.” Monkey is enjoying playing in her cold bath, so I turn my attention to the baby.
I grab a clean diaper from dryer, which reminds me I should fold and assemble diapers. I start putting diapers in the laundry basket, when he baby announces she’s hungry. I put the basket of clean laundry on top of the dryer. So Monkey doesn’t spread those all over the house. I change the baby’s diaper and clothing. Then I warm her bottle, while changing myself into clean, dry clothing.
I sit down and feed the baby her bottle. Meanwhile Monkey floods the bathroom floor. The baby dozes off, so I lay her down in the cradle. I scold Monkey, mop the floor, and help Monkey get dressed. Next I start a load of laundry, and wash milk pumping parts and bottle.
An alarm goes off on my phone. “It’s milk time!” Monkey yells enthusiastically. Yes, I set an alarm to go off to remind me to make milk. “You make milk on the floor you! Play train tracks you!” Monkey yells as she dumps her toys on the floor.
Maybe I should make myself lunch, so I can eat while pumping? But by the time I do all that, the baby will wake up and want to eat again. Feeding her will delay Monkey’s nap time. Maybe I should put Monkey down for a nap first. Which would delay the pumping, but then I can eat and make milk in peace. I like that idea!
I warm my lunch, while putting Monkey down for her nap. I turn the stove off as the food starts to burn. The baby wakes up in time for me to feed her, while making milk. Then Monkey announces she’s pooped in her diaper. So I change her and put her back down for a nap. I finally get to eat my burnt lunch, which is now cold again.
By the time I get the baby to go down for her nap, It’s almost time to make milk again. It’s also obvious Monkey has no intention of actually napping. But it sounds like she’s happily singing and dancing. So maybe I should make milk again right now, before I let her out. As soon as I turn the milk pump on, I hear a loud thud followed by the sound of Monkey wailing (you have got to be kidding!).
Every day we experience some variation of a similar scenario. Which explains why I never get to take a nap. But I am getting good at crisis management, prioritizing tasks, multitasking, cleaning up human excrement, and of course making milk.